Often, night after night, I have the same dream where I am falling. Technically, it isn’t the exact same dream- the location where I’m falling varies. Sometimes it is off cliffs, sometimes tall buildings, sometimes just through the air. But they all end with me jerking awake with a slight anxiety.

I’m no pysch, nor a dream interpreter, but I have a fair idea of what it means. In no other way am I so totally helpless. Imagine falling out of a plane- what is there that you can do? Short of creating a makeshift parachute from the clothes on your back, nothing at all. And even then you would only slow yourself down to a speed where you *might* possibly crush all of your bones in your body (if not die) rather than just some of your bones. Ahuh.

But I’m sure it is the idea of being insecure: unable to control a situation. As most people who know me rather well know, I am an asshole when it comes to being in control. That is to say, I often like to know what’s going on, how it’s happening, etc. It’s my thing, I guess. Those that spend more time with me will often see me constantly checking my phone. While this is easily laughed at (by myself inclusive) at just checking email, calls and messages- most of the time I am actually checking the time. Constantly I have a need to know what the time is.
And when I am not in control of a situation, I do feel a little bit anxious. Not scared, not nervous. It isn’t an overly OCD type thing. I just feel uncomfortably. I feel that I am rather astute and aware of what’s going on generally: I am smart enough, and switched on enough to know the whos/whats/wheres/whens/whys of the situation I get myself into, and often I refuse and avoid situations where I do not.

While all of this is true, I will also add that the exact opposite is true on the occasion. I suppose the only thing I like better than being in control of a situation, is gaining control of a situation. This is why I often like to get lost. Literally. In other cities, in different neighbourhoods- I like to emerce myself in a location where I have never been before and soak my self in that atmosphere. By being temporarily put out of a comfort zone I am grounded and reminded of what I like in life.

Back to my dreams though… Alot of things have started changing in my life over the last couple of months- job, housing, friends, family. Basically my entire life. This does uproot me from a position of control: after having gotten used to a way of keeping things in line, I am now once again not in control. I do not know how things are going to go. I constantly repeat the mantra of “we’ll see” to reassure myself that what happens, happens.

Like plummeting through the air at immense speed, I am unable to stop my life. I am unable to put on a break and just take some time out. Things have started and now that they are rolling I cannot stop it.

I don’t know exactly how they link together. A guy that I used to see once told me that I twitch- jerk my muscles- while I sleep. I never knew I did this. I’ve seen other people do it, and animals, but I had never been told I do this at all. It makes sense though- waking up in the morning in different positions but also jerking my body as I fall. When I wake from these dreams I know that I have been moving, and I often wake up just as I’m rolling.

I must say though, a paper I once read on Freudian thoughts quoted that a falling dream, according to Freud, meant that you were preparing to take the plunge in an unsatisfied sexual urge. While this is text book Freud (sex sex sex), it does make me wonder. I do think about “unsatisfied sexual urges” to put it blatantly. That isn’t to say that my personal sex life isn’t fulfilled: but being a male who has sex with males- I consider what I’m missing by denying sexual encounters with a female. As some would argue- “repressing” the “natural” feelings a guy should have [sexual attraction towards females]. As most would know, I do still find myself attracted to females, and I would engage in a relationship with a girl again- as I have in the past- it just seems the way my life is at the moment, males are at the forefront.

What ever the dream means, I do hope that once somethings are sorted out in my life that I can stop waking up in a small sweat, fresh memories from falling from crevices or tumbling off buildings. In all honesty, they are frightening. To feel that emotion- the fear while you fall. It’s enough to make anyone uneasy.